Today's riding lesson: Trust

I rode in an English saddle today, which I'm not used to.  It was interesting to see how my anxiety caused me to lose my ability to communicate with my horse.  I asked him to go into a canter, but it took many tries before I could properly ask him.  I was afraid of not being able to stay in the saddle (i.e. fall off and eat sand) and the fear made me tense up and give conflicting commands, such as  asking the horse to go forward while also pulling on the reins to ask the horse to stop.

Interestingly, we humans do the same thing to each other.  We are often afraid to communicate with each other.  We may be afraid that the other person will react in a hurtful manner or, like me, you may be afraid that if you get what you're asking for then you won't be able to handle it.  So how do we build trust?  Well for me, I just kept trying.  I'd timidly ask for a canter, the horse would trot or half-heartedly canter/trot.  I'd ask again and again and again.  Because I didn't give up, I slowly started building up trust that I could handle it.  I tried to calm my anxiety and relax and asked again.  The horse cantered!

It's the same with building trust.  You can't just decide to trust someone and even if you could, you shouldn't.  If I decided I would canter no matter what, I may have ended up falling off and getting hurt. Instead, a healthy way of building trust is to try a little and see what happens.  Did you survive?  Did your feelings survive?  Did your relationship survive?  Okay, try a little more.  Try it again and again.  Each time it is successful, you build more trust and you're willing to try more until you have a healthy and happy relationship-whether with a horse or another human.

Sequoia's Progress I

I've been doing a lot of round pen work with Sequoia, our newest sort of rescue horse (sort of because she wasn't being abused, she just needed a good home).  She is well trained, but she was trained by a strong man and doesn't respond to a sissy girl like me.  She also doesn't have respect for a sissy girl like me so I'm having to teach her that even a sissy girl can command respect.  And she's really starting to get it.  Her biggest problem is wanting to turn and face me.  She was taught this by her last owner and it's a great thing, but it makes round penning quite a frustration!  She takes two steps and then turns towards you.  Arghh!  However, in one direction, she is now going forward really well.  As soon as she turns the other way though... sigh

Level 3 Gottman Workshop

I am on my way from the ranch to an amazing workshop in Seattle. Gottman is the love guru-a psychologist who has been studying relationships for decades and can predict divorce with 96% accuracy based on his research.  I've already gone through the first two levels and this is the last before you can become certified as a Gottman couples therapist. Should be fun!